You Can’t Change People, So Be The Change You Wish To See

This post is partially inspired by fellow personal finance blogger, and early retirement seeker, Mr. 1500, who recently discussed his exasperated attempts to instill a little financial fortitude in his younger sister.

I’ve come to strongly believe that you cannot change others, for better or worse. So what I have decided to do is become the change I wish to see in others through action.

I find that people have to want to change themselves, and without experiencing some kind of epiphany will likely remain the way they are for the rest of their lives. Trying too hard to change people will often drive them further away from you, and closer to whatever it is you’re trying to get them to avoid. This is because people naturally get defensive when others – especially those closest to them – question their decisions or lifestyle. If you’re trying to effect change in someone you become an external force which inevitably puts the other party in a position to internalize their feelings and emotions.

I realized this many years ago when dealing with my own mother. My mom was never emotionally stable, but after my father left our family when my three sisters and I were all very young my mother became even more unstable. For perspective, I was eight when my father left and my mother was still pregnant with my youngest sister. She was a mild drug user even before this event, but become engrossed in drug use as hopelessness and depression sunk in.

Obviously, she was in no condition to take care of four young children and this fact became quite evident very quickly on. She would often leave the house for weeks at a time and it was during these times I became quite talented at shoveling neighbors’ snow and cutting their grass to provide a small income which would provide enough money to buy a little food here and there.

As our neighborhood on the east side of Detroit continued to deteriorate, it seemed like it was the physical manifestation of my mother’s mental condition. The more she turned to increasingly dangerous drugs, the more our physical space seemed to rot away.

I suppose it was because of these experiences in my life that I really developed the foundation of mental toughness necessary to persevere through difficult times. Exposure to the nasty side of life can make a concept like seeking early retirement seem downright easy.

Luckily, it was only after a few years of living through this proverbial hell that my mother gave up legal rights  to us four children to her sister and brother-in-law, making my aunt and uncle our legal guardians and permanent parents. For me, this was like winning the lottery. No more wondering if my mother was going to pawn off prized possessions for drug money. I didn’t have to worry about food or living in poverty. It was a huge change, and set the rest of my life up until this moment in motion.

Anyway, the reason I’m opening up about this is because even after losing her four children my mother never changed. She continued to deteriorate until she eventually died of a drug overdose/suicide back in 2003.

But I did have one last conversation with her, and it’s this conversation that absolutely convinced me that people have to want to change themselves. I saw my mom the Christmas before she died, and although we hadn’t been close after she gave up legal guardianship, I did occasionally have very short talks with her. Most of our discussions involved me trying to figure out why she couldn’t be normal, and her rebuffs at the notion.

It was during one of these brief conversations that I finally asked her if she ever thought about changing before it was too late. I opined that the road she was on surely led only to destruction, and she couldn’t go on forever. At this point, she was in her early 40s but she looked much, much older due to decades of hard drug use. I asked her point blank: “You can’t make it much longer like this. Don’t you want to change?”

Her answer was most enlightening. 

She basically advised me that it was I that was crazy, and that she enjoyed living the way she did. For her, having a regular 9-5 and all of the pain that normal life comes with was no way to live. She informed me that she never planned on changing because she couldn’t imagine living a life without constant drugs, partying and escaping. To her, I was a sucker. And it was in this moment that I realized she was truly lost. Although I really knew deep inside she was never going to change, I suppose one holds out a little hope for the unlikely. But hearing her speak with such disdain about a life without chemically modifying her brain cemented whatever subconscious revelations I already had about her ultimate fate. And, of course, it was only months after this conversation that she died.

My mother is not everyone, I realize this. Everyone is different. However, I believe my experience with her is a microcosm of relationships around the world. I think most people have interpersonal relationships with others – be it loved ones, friends or co-workers – they wish they could change, shape or improve in a manner they think would better that other person. But therein lies the problem: people often live a certain way because they want to. And questioning the manner in which they decide to live can often come across as preaching or belittling, because the person attempting to change often thinks they’re right and the other person is wrong. But the decisions people make are their own; we live in a world of free will.

My mother chose to use drugs, even knowing there was another choice: to not use drugs and keep her children. Much the same as the aforementioned blogger’s sister makes seemingly poor financial decisions: living in a luxury apartment and taking cross-country trips without care of cost are choices she makes. She could easily choose to save money and rent a room with someone else, or pick up a book on personal finance. But she doesn’t. She chooses to live the way she does because, to her, that’s the sane way to live. Suffering through delayed gratification for an unpromised future doesn’t make sense for some people. They’d rather choose to live in the now and let the financial side of those decisions work themselves out, or not.

I lived a life of poor financial decisions all the way through college and into my mid-20s. I racked up college debt to the tune of over $30,000 before ultimately leaving college due to having an unclear idea on what exactly I wanted to do with my life while simultaneously dealing with the death of my mother during my junior year. I blew an inheritance of over $60,000 by living a middle-class life without the middle-class income to support it. I often found myself with less than $50 in my checking account, and once had to return cans for the 10-cent recycle refund just to afford a movie ticket. I rented a one-bedroom apartment while in college even though I should have stayed home with my parents.

Why did I make poor decisions? Because I could. I didn’t want to save money; that would be boring and a waste of time. I didn’t make a lot of money, so how could I possibly have enough to save? I inherited money, but why save it when I could go out and make myself feel better by buying a Corvette? I continued to make poor decisions all the way through most of my 20s, until all of the sudden I didn’t.

What changed? 

I wanted change. I wanted more out of my life; more control, more freedom, more time. And I realized that if I didn’t take the time to change my ways then I would be stuck where I was forever: in a place of helplessness, negative net worth and no control.

Did people along the way try to change me? Sure enough. My aunt advised me it was a horrible idea to move out of the house when I was 19 to go rent a one bedroom apartment when I couldn’t even afford college. My aunt basically forbade me to buy a Corvette when I was 21 years old. I was told many times that I wasn’t making good long-term choices with capital.

And who did I listen to? Myself, many years later. 

I took control of my life. I moved halfway across the United States to get a fresh start, avoid state income taxes to maximize free capital and make it easier to get by without a car. I read books on personal finance and investing. I decided to start living well below my means to build a positive net worth, and eventually a six-figure portfolio. I ate ramen noodles every day for lunch for a year straight to save money on food. I sold my car, moved to a cheaper apartment on the bus line and worked hard every single day at my day job until I eventually got promoted to a higher-paying department.

And best of all I started this blog in early 2011 to not only chronicle the possibilities of early retirement on an average income, but also to be the change I wanted to see in others. I realized years ago that while I can’t change others, I can change myself. And by doing so I become an inspiration for others who want to change themselves. Folks, you don’t stumble upon a blog about early retirement, investing and financial independence unless you want to.

I don’t preach the benefits of living frugally, early retirement or financial independence to others because that isn’t the way to effect change in the world. I believe you make the world a better place through leading by example. By living my life in a way that’s most beneficial to my mental and physical health, as well as wealth, I hope others see that and want to live their life in a similar manner. Although I have seen the light and I think chasing financial freedom is a phenomenal way to improve one’s life, I don’t necessarily believe this is a noble goal for everyone. So I don’t push what I believe on others, but I do hope to be the person interested parties contact if they want true change in their life.

We can’t change others, but together we can become the change we wish to see.

How about you? What do you think about changing people?

Thanks for reading.

Photo Credit: Idea go/FreeDigitalPhotos.net

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99 Comments

  1. Incredible story Jason, and even more amazing that you were able to persevere and get to a point where you realized what was best for you and change your life to accomplish your new found goals. As I wrote in my comment at Mr. 1500’s site, no change happens without a catalyst, either internal or external. For most people, this catalyst cannot and will not ever come from people close to them as they no longer see them as objective help. There are countless examples in life of those who flounder when they refuse to help themselves.

    You’re on an incredible journey Jason; one in which I don’t think we’ve even scratched the surface on. Looking forward to seeing you continue to drive hard towards your goals and accomplish them.

  2. DM,
    Epic post. Your story and you as an example of change reaches far beyond the FI/Div community.
    -RBD

  3. This is quite possibly your best post. Thank you for sharing your story, it helps me put both my personal actions as well as the actions of my brother in perspective. Congratulations on your accomplishments.

  4. Steve,

    Thanks. I appreciate the kind words. It wasn’t easy at the time, but sometimes you just need to realize you can’t fix others.

    I moved to Florida back in mid-2009. It was a fantastic decision for me, because the employment situation up there was horrible at that time. I found Florida to be a great place to come because of no state income taxes and a favorable climate for getting around without a car. Everything I came down here for worked out to my advantage, so it was a great decision. However, I miss my family tremendously and I’m not ruling out a move back at some point.

    Thanks for stopping by!

    Best wishes.

  5. This was like a chapter from my own life 😛 (without the corvette though…)

    I can still readily remember the day I thought, “wait a sec, this isn’t me…” and the feeling of wanting something different from inside yourself is truly powerful…It’s a shame some people don’t want to change themselves…My parents are still alive but don’t know for how long though, haven’t seen them in a while.

    Being able to show my kids something different and giving them love is maybe for me the most driving point and also the chance of really spending time with my wife as we get older, not just meeting up after work but travelling and just being together..

  6. Bryan,

    Thanks so much.

    I always knew deep inside I wasn’t making good choices, but it required my own buy-in to change. My aunt is one of the wisest and kindest people I’ve ever known (she did take in four kids after all), and even she couldn’t get through to me. After I decided to change my life for the better I realized after looking back on it how dumb I was. I’m just glad I changed before it was too late. 🙂

    Best regards!

  7. w2r,

    I suppose I was floating for a few years after all that happened, but I righted the ship eventually. And now I have the incredible support of this community, so it keeps getting better! 🙂

    Thanks for the encouragement. I think many of us are all on amazing journeys which will change and morph over time. I’m looking forward to seeing how it all turns out!

    Take care.

  8. RBD,

    Thanks! I hope this post encourages people out there to make changes for the best within themselves, which will naturally inspire others to do the same.

    Cheers!

  9. Liam,

    Thank you. I’m glad you really enjoyed it. I hope that by putting myself out there and sharing some of my worst moments it encourages others to persevere through tough times and eventually find themselves in improved positions.

    I’m also glad you found some value in it in regards to your own situation. 🙂

    Best wishes.

  10. Life In Center,

    I agree completely. It was a similar epiphany I went through myself. I found myself worth less than $0 and floating aimlessly in life, and thought: “I’m smarter than this!”

    Waking up from the fog can be incredibly revolutionary and liberating. Once I realized it was only me that was holding myself back I felt like this huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I got my own boot off my back and stood up, and that’s when the progress really began!

    Thanks for sharing.

    Best wishes.

  11. HI Jason, great story. Your blog has been very inspirational to me. It’s inspired me to start my own blog about things I’ve learned about finance and dividend investing. Check it out at http://www.dividenddad.com. I included a link to your blog as well. Thanks and keep it going!

  12. Anonymous,

    Great looking blog there. Very minimalistic. I like it! I wish you the best of luck with it. Blogging on a regular basis is incredibly time consuming, but equally rewarding.

    I’m glad you’ve found some inspiration here in what I’m doing. That’s exactly why I write. I hope to be the change I wish to see, and then in that action help others change themselves for the better. 🙂

    Stay in touch.

    Best regards!

  13. Thanks for opening up about this. Im sure it wasn’t easy to put so much of your life out there. I try my best to lead by example among my friends and family. If they ever have a question or seek advice I’m an open book and will tell them how I feel and what my plan is. At most ill give unsolicited advice once but its usually in the form or asking questions to get the conversation started. People have to want to make the change or any thing you tell them is falling on deaf ears.

  14. Thanks for such an honest post, DM. Very rewarding to read. With regard to trying to “change” people, money and finances seems to be an EXTRA touchy subject. My wife and I have tried in the past to offer indirect and sometimes direct personal finance advice to relatives and friends and have been blown away at the defensive response. So, like you, we’ve given up talking and are just living the example. Our joke to each other is that we HAVE to be financially savvy since we’ll most likely be bailing them out somewhere down the road 😉 Thanks for your great example.

  15. Wow, this might be your most powerful, and inspirational piece yet. How you were able to overcome all obstacles, not feel sorry for yourself, and make a conscious effort to turn your life around… I can’t think of a better way to lead by example than that.

    I have all the respect in the world for you. You are exactly the type of person who sparks change… by creating change. The early FI/RE community is still somewhat new, and the numbers keep growing. You are leading the way there for so many. The change you want to see… slowly, it’s happening.

  16. Thank you for sharing that.

    I actually try to change all my friends, and i even offer them to come over to my house so i can show them the way. It is hopeless, no one wants to see what i am talking about or they don’t want to listen. I think once a few years as pass and they see how i am doing they will want to change and start spending less and saving.

    thanks for a great post.

  17. Hey Mr. Mantra.
    Thank you for sharing this story. It must have been hard to go back and relive the past for a moment there. Just wanted to tell you that you’re truely an inspiration. I changed my life as well at 28 and Now I am 32. I really did a 360 from being a total spender to now… Just straight up Frugalling it. And Like you, from a portfolio of 0 to now 180 k in 4 years. ( I have help from my wife and we make 200 k/year combined ). I can honestly say I’ve never been more happy and have never felt more in control of my life by taking charge of my own destiny in finances. I was just earning money in the past to spend just to show that I was successful.Now I just wanna really back it up with dividend growth passive income.
    Anyways, I am a reader of all the dividend blogs, i think i book marked like 30. I would say yours is my most favorite as I check it every day for new content and comments… You really do take the time and reply to people.
    Well, Thanks for sharing and If I could meet you I would give you a warm welcoming Hug. Thanks a lot bud.
    Keep up the good work.

  18. I just have to say, wow. For your life experiences and the decisions you have made, I offer respect. I’ve been a resident of Michigan for 6 decades now. Debating on whether my wife and I should even contemplate a move when I retire. May I ask which state you moved to?

  19. My respect for you keeps on increasing, DM. You are truly an inspiration for all of us on many different levels.

    “Exposure to the nasty side of life can make a concept like seeking early retirement seem downright easy.” I couldn’t agree more, especially after hearing your story. I come from a very humble background myself, my brother and I lived in squalor for several years before seeing an improvement in our situation.

    The so-called sacrifice that we go through to invest our money and attain financial freedom is absolutely nothing compared to the real important issues in life. Thank you very much for reminding us about that. This post has given me a jolt of appreciation for what I have.

    As far as changing people, I think you are absolutely right that the best we can do is set an example for others and hope they can follow. My dad was horrible with money and got himself into massive debt that took him years to clear. Whenever my brother and I tried to reason with him, he would just snap back at us. I vowed never to have the same terrible financial habits he had (he has improved dramatically by now, thank goodness).

    I hope this post reaches millions of eyes!

  20. Great Post and I know exactly what you’re talking about.

    I have a good friend who refuses to do anything about his financial future because he thinks he can’t since he’s not a financial planner…total helpless blob. I’ve done EVERYTHING I can to try and motivate him to take his future in is hands to no avail, now I just let it go…so tough, but the truth of it is, no one will change unless they want to themselves, so I’ve gone down the lead by example path like you.

  21. Jason,
    Getting into the right mindset is the first step to change your behavior, otherwise you won’t stick to it. What’s sad is even when you lead, others won’t follow until it’s often too late.

  22. Jason, I believe it takes guts to do what you are doing and to open up about your family life takes even more guts. Right now I am going through some stuff about my personal life and thinking that maybe I should minimize my life and the “stuff” that just is not that important. I continue to preach to people that greatness of stock market investing (which include dividend growth), but it seems that sometimes I have to preach in investing in oneself before and above all. Jason, I have followed your blog for some time now and quite frankly this is the post that has moved me the most….continued success, truly.

    Joe

  23. Thank you for sharing! You have quite the story to tell and I’m sure reading what you’ve persevered through will help at least one person out there.
    You’re right about not being able to change other people. Sometimes I think the best we can do is to be a great example and hope that other see and ask questions.
    Keep it up!

  24. This is the best post I’ve read in a while. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I’ll be sharing it, while knowing that only the people who want to change for the better will actually find it inspirational. That’s fine. Thanks, again.

  25. Wow, thanks for sharing.

    It’s interesting that, like your mom, you don’t want to be another 9-5 sucker. I like your alternative a lot better. (Your mom probably wouldn’t have, but she might have been proud of your alternative anyway.)

    I agree that you can’t change people who don’t want to be changed or aren’t ready to be changed. That’s good–I don’t wanted to be changed either; I like the way I am.

    I think the best you can do is be a good example, answer questions when asked (while watching out for the glazed eyes), offer support, and refuse to support the decisions you don’t agree with. For example, I will loan (or give) someone money for first-and-last month’s rent so they can move somewhere cheaper, but I won’t loan them money for cigarettes or for another payment on a house they can’t afford (that’s just putting off their foreclosure). I also don’t loan people money if they still haven’t paid back the last loan–and I make this clear when I make the first loan. (That one has saved me from a LOT of begging, though I did make one exception and paid to have someone’s brakes fixed on their car.)

    My condolences on the loss of your parents (even if your dad is still living) and I’m so glad your aunt and uncle stepped in. You can tell them that random strangers are silently thanking them through their tears.

  26. That’s a tough story. We all need some adversity in life so we can deal with it better. Thanks for sharing. We had some financial problems when we were growing up too, but never any drug problems. It’s a good thing that your mom gave up custody at the right time.
    I think you’re right about people. They need to want to make a change for themselves. It’s just too easy to do the same thing over and over again. It’s hard to make a change and usually we need some kind of big catalyst.

  27. Damn, Jason. I’m terribly sorry you had to grow up that way. No child should ever have to deal with that. The fact that you became who you are after dealing with all that adversity is amazing (not in the patronizing sense, either). These stories help to keep things in perspective when some of us think that our lives suck just due to minor inconveniences that pop up frequently.

    I am truly thankful that you were able to overcome all of that and be who you are. The world is a better place because of you.

    Dave

  28. Thanks for that post! You realy take control over your journey. I’m impressed. I always juse to say that people always have a choice… and take the result of it. But they must want to do so.

  29. Great write up. Between your story and 1500’s it is easy to see you just have to let people do it themselves. I can think of a number of personal stories that relate to both, but the key item for them is the change they wanted to see in themselves.

    “Be the change you want to see in the world.” My university borrowed (it is kind of from Gandhi, but has been altered through time) that as a our informal saying, which is great because I know what I want to do with my life and work, and heading towards financial independence is the best road to getting there before I am old and out of it.

  30. Jason, obviously I agree with the other comments: brilliant post. Thank you for sharing!

    By far my favorite quote is: “You will suddenly realize that the reason you never changed before was because you didn’t want to.” It seems somewhat straightforward, but I find that it has lasting realizations. Specifically, I draw three conclusions: 1) If you truly wanted to change something you would have already done it by now. 2) It’s possible that you simply never thought about a certain change before. Or 3) It’s conceivable that you don’t want to change because you are content.

  31. First of all, big kudos for you to coming out the other side of this experience as a sane adult. I have friends and family from broken backgrounds and most can’t seem to shake their past. No matter how tragic their childhood was, they eventually take the same road.

    Also, thanks for showing me another perspective on my situation. I’ve come to believe that your road is the better one. I’ll never stop dropping gentle hints, but I’m going to let this stuff with my family go. I’ll help them within bounds, but no more losing sleep over their poor decisions.

  32. A great post Jason!

    I agree that people have to REALLY want to change. How many people “want” to stop smoking but “can’t”, whereas others just give up and succeed because they truly want to stop.

    I have been shocked about the people who I have talked to about me managing my own pension and how the benefits of compound interest increase like a snowball over time, and there are generally two responses:

    The first response is “yes, BUT, I don’t know anything about investing so it’s no good for me” (these are the very people who knew nothing about their job when they started, but are now really knowledgeable)

    The second response is a blank look and no interest whatsoever.

    The really frustrating thing is that these same people constantly complain about how they will have to work until they drop!

    As you say, you can’t change people unless they want to.

    Hopefully we all find one or two like minds in our life, in addition to the great people you find in blogs like yours, mine and many others.

    Anyway, must go and plan my early release from wage slavery now 🙂

    Best wishes

    FI UK

  33. Pursuit,

    It wasn’t easy talking about some of this stuff, because it happened so long ago and in a sense I’ve kind of put a lot of it away inside of me. But I think talking about this stuff helps me and helps others, so it’s a really good thing.

    I agree with you – those who want help seek it.

    Cheers!

  34. Tyler,

    Yeah, it’s pretty weird how money and finances are so touchy. I’ve always been open about it, and used to make fun of myself for being so broke all the time. To me, money just doesn’t have that taboo quality that so many other people seem to associate with it.

    It’s unfortunate you may have to bail out others. It’s weird how people don’t want to talk about money and finances, but don’t seem to mind it as much when they’re asking for help. It’s almost like it’s easier to ask for money than it is for education about money. I suppose there is a bit of laziness in that.

    Thanks for the support. Glad you enjoyed reading the post. I put a lot on the line there, but I’m really satisfied that there are people out there that find some value in it.

    Best regards.

  35. FI Fighter,

    Thanks, bud. I appreciate the kind words. This community is definitely growing, and I think we’re all seeing that change happen right in front of us. It’s really special and amazing.

    And you’re doing a great thing with your journey as well. Your progress and success thus far is really inspirational. You’re a real estate mogul, man! 🙂

    Keep up the great work.

    Take care!

  36. FFdividend,

    Your efforts aren’t totally wasted. I’m quite sure that if/when some of your friends decide it’s time to change that you’ll be the first one they seek out for help and advice. 🙂

    Cheers!

  37. Tyler Tran,

    Wow. Thanks for that. It’s stories like yours that makes me feel really good about what I’m doing here. So glad to hear you and your wife have flipped the script and are now backing up the look of success with real, tangible success. Good for you guys. Sounds like you’ve made some fantastic progress so far. Congratulations!

    Thanks also for your readership. It’s readers like you that help this blog grow and spread, which inspires me to continue writing and spreading the message. Thank you for that!

    Stay in touch.

    Best wishes.

  38. Charles,

    I hear what you’re saying. It’s a shame that it’s like that, but in the end all we can do is be the best we can be and hope that others do the same. If they don’t, then it’s their life.

    My mom passed very early in life, but I harbor no guilt. It was her choice to go down that path, and there was nothing I could do to stop her.

    By focusing on ourselves we can actually create the change we wish to see, rather than hoping other people follow our advice.

    Cheers!

  39. Spoonman,

    Thanks!

    Yeah, it’s good to keep perspective and remind ourselves that what we’re doing (saving, investing, striving for early retirement) is something that only a small percentage of human beings around the world even have a chance at. I try to remember that life is really hard for most people, and for much of my life it was pretty difficult. So I look at living frugally and investing in high quality companies as a privilege, and certainly not a right; I’m really lucky and blessed. 🙂

    Keep up the great work. I stopped by ERE the other day and saw you’re close to your ERE-budget for the Pacific NW. That’s fantastic! I think that area is one of the most beautiful in all of America, although the weather seems like it leaves a little to be desired.

    Best regards!

  40. Sundeep,

    Thanks for stopping by and sharing that. I couldn’t agree more. The only thing you can do is lead by example and be there for support/questions for other parties. If they decide to change they will seek you out.

    Sounds like you’ve made an excellent choice. Keep it up!

    Take care.

  41. Joe,

    Thanks so much. I’m really grateful this post moved you like that. It’s tough to write about some of these things that are actually intensely private, but I think it does good for both myself and the world to let it go and put it out there.

    It sounds like you’re making an excellent choice there in focusing on what’s important and ignoring the rest. I don’t know your personal situation, but you sound like a very intelligent guy. I’m sure you’ll figure out what matters and focus on that. 🙂

    Best regards.

  42. Matt,

    You nailed it. We can only be the best version of ourselves, and in that people who want to change will see that and be moved by it. I’m not selling anything here at Dividend Mantra but inspiration, and I just don’t think that by pushing my beliefs on others I’ll do any good. People who want a better financial situation will find me because they’re seeking it out, much the same as people you know who want change will seek you out.

    Best wishes.

  43. DB40,

    Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed it. I wrote it to inspire, so I’m super grateful you’re going to go out there and share it. 🙂

    Hope all is well!

    Cheers.

  44. Debbie M,

    “It’s interesting that, like your mom, you don’t want to be another 9-5 sucker.”

    It’s funny you say that. I guess I didn’t see it until now, but I suppose I have some of my mother in me in that regard. My father was a bit of a schemer when I was growing up – always trying to find a way to make money from nothing, working jobs here and there and trying to “hack” life before that was even a term. Of course, he did it in ways that are much different than my approach – but that’s another story for another day.

    I agree with you. The best you can do is be a great example for others, and in that you can be a source of light for others in darkness. People who want to find their way out of the fog will flock to you like flies. Keep it up.

    Take care.

  45. Joe,

    I agree with you. Adversity and difficulty make us stronger. I know that certainly is the case for me.

    Mr. Money Mustache had a great post on habits a while ago, and I think people become complacent because they want to be. It’s easy to become complacent. Change is hard, and people typically don’t like things that are hard. But anything worth having in life is worth working hard for.

    Best wishes!

  46. Dave,

    Thanks for the very kind comment there. I really appreciate it.

    I look back on times earlier in my life and realize how good I have it now. This is an especially useful exercise when I think I’m “having a bad day”. When I was a child having a bad day was being beat up and having my bike stolen, or wondering when my mom would come home, or waking up to see that my mom (after being gone for two weeks) stole my last money from me overnight. Those were “bad days”.

    But it was these experiences that made me who I am today, so in the end I’m grateful for it. I think my past has made my current trek much easier to deal with. 🙂

    Thanks for stopping by. And, again, thank you for the very warm words.

    Best regards.

  47. Eli,

    Thanks for stopping by! Always glad to see you around here. 🙂

    I agree 100% with your conclusions. I think the third choice, involving complacency and contentment, is quite common. Complacency is easy, but not usually the most rewarding choice over the long haul. But it’s difficult to constantly have the vision that’s required to imagine how your decisions affect you looking out over many years or decades.

    Hope all is well up there in Tampa!

    Take care.

  48. Fattigbonddräng,

    Thanks for stopping by and commenting!

    People have free will, but their choices do carry consequences. I never push financial independence on anyone because it’s simply not for everyone. Some people would rather live in the now, even with being fully aware of the consequences. Just one of those things.

    Cheers!

  49. Dividend Gremlin,

    Wow. To be totally honest, I was not aware that Gandhi said basically the same thing. I just googled it and saw that. I likely heard it somewhere at some point in my life and just adapted it here. Thanks for mentioning that. I feel like I’m in good company with the message.

    Change is definitely something that must start within. Only then can external forces help. 🙂

    Take care.

  50. Mr. 1500,

    My three sisters have all moved on very well from this, although the two youngest were not really around my parents to see the worst. I believe that my success and ability to emerge stronger from this is because of my aunt and uncle. Adopting four children while they were still very young and newly married was a hell of a sacrifice. Without them I might not even still be alive – it was that bad.

    Hey, I’m glad that this post helped you come to terms with your situation with your sister. I’m quite sure as she gets older she’ll want change and she’ll remember your perspective. If not, then the only thing to do is accept and lover her as she is. Family is everything. 🙂

    Thanks for stopping by. And thank you as well for the inspiration to complete this draft!

    Best wishes.

  51. FI UK,

    Well, it’s easier to feel sorry for yourself and delve into complacency then it is to go out and work hard to change your situation. And I say that from experience. It was easy for me to waste an inheritance and not worry about the consequences. Meanwhile, living well below my means and investing for the future is more difficult. However, the latter situation is much more rewarding – especially over the long haul.

    It’s not always easy eating sandwiches for dinner, or putting in 11-hour workdays and then coming home and blogging for 3 hours…but I know that I’m aligning my life the way I want it for the long term.

    All we can do is lead by example and hope those still in the dark will come to see our light over time. 🙂

    Cheers!

  52. Well I think sometimes it is so hard to make even the smallest changes in myself…I am tempted to think it might be easier to change the world! Great writeup, thank you for the inspiration! Best regards.

  53. Hi Jason,

    This has to be your most powerful and inspiring post to date. Thanks for sharing. Your blog has become a part of my daily routine.

    This post reminds me of a book I just read. David and Goliath by Malcolm Galdwell. Great read if you have the time.

    Take care,
    Frank

  54. DM, great story my friend. You are an example of fortitude and determination. You probably would have had the same fortitude even if you grew up in a upper middle class background. It’s your personality.

    I just hit my $1000 month in January. Check it out on my site, I’m extremely proud of this accomplishment.
    Take care!

  55. Jason,

    Wow, this is why you’re blog is so awesome. You have an incredibly inspiring story and such a positive drive to make a difference in the world.

    Like you, my journey hasn’t been the easiest, which I believe has made me who I am and given me the drive I have as well.

    BTW, Katie and I are contemplating another trip. The options so far are Vegas… or Tampa/Clearwater (on the beach, of course)…

    If we come down there, perhaps you could come up and meet us, since you have a car now?

    Talk to you soon, my friend.

  56. Katz,

    I would think changing the world would me a much grander goal than changing yourself, but I do wish you the best of luck in trying to change our world for the better. I think change starts within, and if you can become the best possible version of yourself that makes it easier to convince others.

    Best wishes!

  57. Frank NY,

    Thanks! I’m glad you enjoyed the article. And I really appreciate you supporting what I’m doing here.

    I’ve never read that book – I’ll have to check it out. I honestly wish I could read more, but my time is so limited as is. One day I’ll have a lot more time! 🙂

    Best regards.

  58. $25000,

    Wow! Congrats! $1k in one month. That’s really fantastic! I’m still a long ways off from that, but I’m climbing that mountain one step at a time. Slowly, but surely. 🙂

    Thanks for stopping by. I appreciate the warm words. I suppose you’re right – some of my drive is probably just part of my personality. Perhaps, though, I’m driven just that little bit more because of what I went through. I’m not sure. I guess I just want to do as much with my life as possible, and seeing someone close to me waste their life away motivated me to not make the same mistake.

    Keep up the great work! You’ll be at $2k before you know it. 🙂

    Best wishes

  59. Kraig,

    Thanks, man. Good to see you stopping by! I hope all is well with your launch! We’ll have to talk soon.

    Yeah, I’d definitely be up for driving up to see you guys if you decide to come down this way. Let me know if you and Katie choose the Clearwater/Tampa area and I could drive up, no problem.

    Stay warm up there, bud!

    Best regards.

  60. D-S,

    Thanks for your continued support. I really appreciate it. It’s wonderful to have a fan from your side of the world. 🙂

    I do think I’m on the right track. I’m giving it 100%, so if I fail I can at least feel good about knowing that I gave it my all.

    Best wishes.

  61. BJ,

    Thanks for stopping by.

    I agree with you in regards to religion. Just like I don’t appreciate people pushing their religious or political beliefs on me, I don’t push my financial beliefs on them. I don’t think that’s the right to approach it. If someone is interested in financial independence, early retirement, saving money or avoiding debt they’ll take the necessary actions like I did: reading the appropriate literature, attack their budgets and learn how to invest. Furthermore, I make my goals known to everyone in my life so that if anyone is ever interested I can become a source of information and help in confidence. That’s just my way of approaching it, right or wrong.

    Thanks for sharing that! 🙂

    Take care.

  62. This is a very sad story!
    I do not know what to say.

    Perhaps only one thing: Now you’re on the right track. And so you have already achieved more than many other people!

    Keep going!!!

    Best regards from Germany
    D-S

  63. The term is 180 degrees…not 360 degrees. If you did a 360, you just went around in a circle and ended up where you left off.

  64. DM,
    Thank you for sharing your incredible story. This is one of the most amazing blog posts I have ever read, period. Your story is truly touching, inspiring, and amazing. Congratulations on your amazing journey and for inspiring others along the way!
    Sincerely,
    Ian

  65. Wow thank you for sharing your story of your family and what led you to change your life. That was intense and I’m sure not an easy thing to share with the world.

    About changing people, I remember when some family members became very religious and they felt like they needed to save everyone which bothered me. Talking to someone who was also very religious and knew these people explained it the best to me. He said right now this is new to them and they are very excited about it and want to share what they are learning but as time goes on they will level off and not be so in your face about it. That is exactly what happened.

    I know just dealing with my own changes with learning about personal finance and living a more purposeful life that I have been judgmental of family and friends for their spending habits. But I don’t try to come across as preachy if I do say something, I just try to offer an example of what we are doing to save and be different. If they start to ask questions then I am happy to give them more info and they are much more receptive to it as well.

    Thanks again for sharing your story.
    BJ

  66. At this point there are only a few people who are aware of our goals but it is always a pleasant surprise when someone does ask a question because they know what we are up to. Its good to have these places online to share these Ideas because you know we are all interested in the same thing. It makes that feeling of needing to share what you learn easier.

    P.S. bought ConocoPhillips today! 🙂

  67. Amazing, and it explains a lot. You changed yourself and you are changing thousands now. Just retired 2 years ago at 50 and living in Tahiti halftime and Thailand halftime (you often mention Chiang Mai…). Financially independent on savings, luck, real estate, all means other than stocks but now redirecting half towards DGI cause I don’t trust the reliability of my assets . Hope to meet you oneday. Patrick

  68. Ian,

    Thanks so much for your continued support along the way. It’s the amazing support I’ve received along the way that makes it so easy to share and inspire.

    Glad you were touched by the post. I hope you found something of value in it. 🙂

    Best regards.

  69. Dividend Mom,

    Thanks for stopping by!

    It does take courage to share things, but it also allows me to turn a negative into a positive by inspiring and educating others. And I also realize that many people out there have/had it way worse than me, so for me it’s just a pleasure to possibly help others realize that you can climb out of a hole if you keep going.

    Cheers!

  70. Moorea9,

    I love the name! You’re living in paradise. 🙂

    Congratulations to you on your success! It sounds like you’re truly “living the dream”. We don’t all take the same road there, but as long as you reach the promised land (FI) that’s all that matters. Enjoy your reward, and I hope you stay in touch!

    Best wishes.

  71. the Indian sage Ramana maharishi said…….

    that which cannot be changed will not change no matter how much effort you make to bring it about…

    that which changes will continue to do so no matter how much effort you make to stop it….

    since this is certain , i ts best to keep quiet under all circumstances ……

    The longer i live , the more i think the above is true….

  72. Anonymous,

    I agree with that. Change must happen from within. If change is wanted, change will occur.

    Thanks for sharing that excellent knowledge! 🙂

    Cheers!

  73. Mark,

    Thanks for that. I’m just here to write and inspire, and I’m so glad that there are people out there that enjoy what I write. It’s wonderful to have an audience!

    And you are right: my journey as an investor is still just beginning. I’m really excited for what the future holds for all of us. I think there are many of us that are on this great path to financial success and I’m just so glad to be a part of it!

    Cheers.

  74. Well I guess that really puts things in perspective when people tell you that your savings goals aren’t realistic, or “you can’t possibly live like that and have it be worth it.” HA. It’s all a matter of perspective.

    Like everyone else, I am glad you decided to start / are continuing to share your journey with everyone. You’ve been an inspiration to countless people already (me included) and really, in investing years, your journey is still just beginning.

  75. Pingback: Sharing The Aloha Links 2-22 - Getting A Rich Life
  76. I think this part shows the real essence on what motivates people to change:

    “And I realized that if I didn’t take the time to change my ways then I would be stuck where I was forever: in a place of helplessness, negative net worth and no control.”

    You had the ability to think about what your situation would be like in the future, and that picture of yourself being helpless and with no control didn’t make you feel good. If you didn’t have the ability to take a long term perspective on your situation, or if the picture would have appeared to you in a neutral or positive way, you wouldn’t have done nothing.

    If you plant seeds of tranquility and joy into people, if you succeed in letting this tree of positive associations grow within people, they will change. And a good way to do this is of course, as you described, to live the change. People will recognize and automatically compare and envision what it would be like.

    Thanks a lot for sharing this part of your story!

  77. Chris,

    “To live the change”.

    You nailed it right there. People are often quick to criticize others, instead of focusing on what they’re doing. We could all improve in some way, and I’m no different.

    Instead of trying so hard to change others, worry about maximizing your own life’s potential and being the best you that you can be. Once you’re living the change you want to see, others will see it in you and want the same.

    I’m improving every single day as a person, and I hope that eventually I become a pretty good version of me – at least good enough to be able to continue writing and inspiring for many years to come. 🙂

    Thanks for offering up that perspective!

    Take care.

  78. Congratulations for pulling yourself from the hole you were in so fast! It’s incredible what a difference just a mindset change can make. As someone who have been through very difficult periods and helped loves ones change sometimes, I would like to ask you something that I ask myself a lot of times, you said:

    “I was told many times that I wasn’t making good long-term choices with capital.

    And who did I listen to? Myself, many years later.”

    When you say you listened to yourself, do you believe you would have reached the same conclusions and decisions if people like your aunt didn’t insist that you were doing bad long term capital choices ? Or did you listen to people like your aunt in the first place, and their words kept resonating in your head every time you made a bad decision and face the consequences.

    I like to think that people decide to change by themselves, but the advice that was given to them always stayed in the back of their head and helped them reach that decision. So, even if trying to help a loved one change might feel pointless, I believe it is not. It might not have any success because they don’t want to change, but it will increase the odds of that happening.

    I also agree that the best way to help someone changing is through actions. Words alone will always sound condescending if they are not supported by experience. Like Americans say: “Walk the walk, then talk the talk”.

  79. DividendVenture,

    Thanks for stopping by and sharing your perspective.

    I would agree with you that good advice that was given to me along the way – mostly by my aunt – certainly resonated. It’s always a good thing to have people in your life that care about you and look out for you. And when people care about you they’re going to speak up when they see that you’re destroying yourself.

    However, even with that being said I still believe that this good advice is all for not if you don’t want to change yourself. In the end, we’re all responsible for our own choices. There is nobody else to blame but ourselves. And while my aunt was on one side giving me good advice, it would have been very easy to instead listen to my mother and take the easy path in life – a path filled with drugs and parties.

    Every day we wake up and we’re faced with countless choices. And it’s up to us to take the road that best serves us, and if not we live with the consequences. We’ll face lots of good and bad advice along the way, but only we can choose what advice to follow.

    If I would have never woke up and realized that I was my own worst enemy by choosing the wrong path every day I’d still be hearing my aunt give me good advice even while I was slowly destroying my life. Good advice is extremely important, but our choices are our own.

    Best regards!

  80. FFdividend, I’m approaching it slightly differently.
    I am giving people shares. Or the representative cash amount of a few shares ( just $100 or so) – and then I help them set up the accounts. This way they don’t “lose their own money”, because that seems to be the biggest fear for most. Then I help them buy some shares of O, why O? Because it’s at a fair price at the moment, but more importantly because it is a monthly dividend payer and people that are just starting out are impatient, it only takes a few months for them to get it. Of course the $100 does not make sense in regards to the commission cost, but that is nothing compared to planting the investment seed in their minds.

    In the mean time I’ve been providing them with links (to this blog and others like dividend growth investor or conservative income investor and also bogleheads lazy portfolio, because some of them don’t want to spend too much time digging into finance. But the knowledge like in my circle is spreading and I’m starting to answer more advanced questions.

    Also DM, this is really one of your best posts and should be part of your book! There is a lot of strength in what you wrote and is extremely inspirational. It also ‘shuts up’ people that are in a much better situation than you were in and still give excuses about why they somehow can’t live below their means and learn about investing.

  81. AlphaTarget,

    Thanks so much. If I do end up writing a book, which is a huge dream and goal of mine, my personal background and story will be a big part of that. So I’ll definitely include part of this.

    Thanks so much for the support!

    Best wishes.

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